The TPR Stream - December 2012
21.12.2012
So, the world hasn’t ended today, which is a bit disappointing. We definitely didn’t clear out our savings account, make a mad dash to Vegas, and rent out the penthouse suite at the Bellagio. A tiger does not currently reside in the bathroom, and Zach Galifianakis is not strolling into said restroom sans pants. Also, we’re pretty sure we have all of our teeth, but one can’t be too sure of these things until breakfast. What we are left with in this supposed post-apocalyptic age is a gnawing hangover. You know this kind of hangover? It’s the kind that sits in the pit of your soul and refuses to leave. If only there was some kind of hangover savant we could consult with as how to best tackle our current predicament. If only we could consult Charles Bukowski.
20.12.2012
Because the World Ends Tomorrow, Here Are Some Famous Last Words By The Editors
After a short 200,000 years on planet Earth, humanity ends tomorrow. Or if you live in New Zealand, right now. It’s bittersweet. We had such high ambitions. Yes, we won the evolution long game over the dinosaurs but fell so short of the goal of exploring space in unity and harmony. We did, however, invent many ways to kill each other and get fat. And we invented jazz music. So, it wasn’t all bad. The Belle Époque and the Renaissance were high points, in addition to fire and the advanced civilizations of ancient Asia. It’s a shame it will have to end before learning the conclusion of Breaking Bad or just when exactly Jesus would return (my vote was for halftime at the Super Bowl). But, it’s over now. All that’s left to do is figure out what to do with your last 24 hours and, of course, your last words. To help you with this impending colossal judgment, compiled here for your mental digestion are the last words of some of humanity’s most famous authors.
19.12.2012
If you add up the gun homicides from the 23 most developed countries, 80% of those deaths took place in the United States. The number rises to 87% when looking solely at the number of children killed by guns. For every one person killed in developed countries by guns, 19.5 are killed in the United States. In the past 50 years, 15 out 25 of the worst mass shootings took place on American soil. The firearm industry contributed $31.8 billion to the US economy in 2012, up from $19 billion in 2008. The stock of America’s biggest manufacturer has risen 638% in the past four years. Also, in that same time period, the NRA helped pass 99 laws to make guns easier to own, conceal, and harder to track. There are up to 300 million guns in the United States, enough for every man, woman, and child to own one. No other country comes even close. On December 14th, Adam Lanza walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School and fired up to 100 rounds in ten minutes before taking his own life. Lanza killed 26 people, including 20 children. One of those children was six year-old Jack Pinto. His best friend, John, wrote him the following message.
18.12.2012
Seven Bemusing Books You Won't Believe Were Published By The Editors
Life keeps us all busy. Or more correctly stated, life should keep us all busy. Yes, yes, some of us are unemployed and watching Discovery Channel documentaries about the mating habits of big cats to fill time on a Tuesday morning, but even for these people it can be hard to find enough time to read. While there are many interesting facets of the mating rituals of big cats, we at TPR would rather spend what little free time we have grappling with weighty and epic tomes. In interests of saving your time and ours, dear reader, compiled here are seven ridiculous books that have not only been written, but have actually been published for worldwide consumption. It will be discouraging for would-be writers out there, but don’t worry. We’re sure your Young Adult vampire-wizard-chosen-boy-who-falls-in-love-with-a-werewolf-Kristen-Stewart-while-simultaneously-being-seduced-by-Jennifer-Lawrence-in-a-Highlander-styled-reality-show story will be picked up soon.
17.12.2012
Postcards From a Long, Strange Trip By The Editors
There are some bands that transcend music and come to encapsulate an artistic whole. They create a greater aesthetic beyond the aural that spreads to the written word, the visual, and beyond. Beyond is an apt word when describing one such band. They’ve been a hallmark of music since before the last time skinny jeans were considered cool, except in those times they flared out and were called bell bottoms. The grass was weaker, but the acid was stronger and oh did they engage in copious usage of both. It’s implicated in much of the great art that surrounds the band. If you don’t know who we’re talking about, we’re talking about The Grateful Dead. A new book encompasses all the great art of the long, strange trip in one great collection out just in time to stuff the stocking of the Deadhead in your family. Either that, or just stuff it with two of the aforementioned substances.
14.12.2012
Because It’s 5 O’clock Somewhere: Lou Reed and Vaclav Havel Talk Freedom By The Editors
In keeping in tradition of Because It’s 5 O’clock Somewhere, we like to bring you the bright, little shining moments of humanity that make the whole thing worth getting up in the morning. Life’s not just about trudging through work or toiling through eight or nine hour days. Or going home to an empty house. Or getting a partner to fill that empty house. Or even making little genetic copies of yourself to replicate your behavorial tendencies throughout the eons. We’d like to think life is much more about Vaclav Havel and Lou Reed talking about freedom. And for those keeping count, Mr. Havel is the only personage to enjoy back-to-back postings on The Stream other than Bill Murray. That is some choice company.
13.12.2012
Shine a Light: The Rolling Stones, Vaclav Havel, and Prague Castle By The Editors
In 1990, the Rolling Stones became the first major international band to play in a newly free Czechoslovakia. A band once deemed "rotten junkies" by the Soviet regime added the tour date at the last minute at the behest of Vaclav Havel and to the thrill of a Czech population historically relegated to listening to the Stones (and other Western artists) through foreign radio stations and bootlegged copies of their albums. It was all part of President Havel’s grand plan to bring the world’s leading cultural figures to the Czechoslovakian capitol thereby re-introducing the country to the world while simultaneously raising its profile. The concert — promoted under the slogan “The tanks roll out, the Stones roll in” — was a smashing success. So much so that Havel and the Rolling Stones cemented a life-long friendship that led the Stones to return to Bohemia several times over the years, including a 1995 visit that found the Stones and President Havel in a Czech pub with one lingering question: Why is the beautiful Prague Castle so dark at night?
12.12.2012
This Is the Last Time This Will Happen By The Editors
Target, where Americans go when they feel like buying Sour Cream Ranch Doritos in a place not called Wal-Mart, has been the first to identify a hot, new author. The runaway success of such books such as 50 Shades of Grey have opened the way for the previously undiscovered Leo Tolstoy to enjoy a place in the “Upcoming Authors” section of Target stores. The author is currently the heartthrob of the plebian Russian scene. It is because of him that the nipple length beard and cassock look has never been hotter. If not for the craven desire of cloistered housewives, it’s quite likely that Mr. Tolstoy—and by that extension Anna Karenina—would not have enjoyed the kind of access to consumers who might look to dabble in Russian literature while also perusing the shimmering aisles of fluorescent-lighted commerce for giant tubs of diet cola and pants with elastic waist lines. When reached for comment, Mr. Tolstoy stated: “The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity." It remains unclear as to how that ideology will help sell books.
11.12.2012
According to Chain Store, Leo Tolstoy Is an Emerging Author By The Editors
Target, where Americans go when they feel like buying Sour Cream Ranch Doritos in a place not called Wal-Mart, has been the first to identify a hot, new author. The runaway success of such books such as 50 Shades of Grey have opened the way for the previously undiscovered Leo Tolstoy to enjoy a place in the “Upcoming Authors” section of Target stores. The author is currently the heartthrob of the plebian Russian scene. It is because of him that the nipple length beard and cassock look has never been hotter. If not for the craven desire of cloistered housewives, it’s quite likely that Mr. Tolstoy—and by that extension Anna Karenina—would not have enjoyed the kind of access to consumers who might look to dabble in Russian literature while also perusing the shimmering aisles of fluorescent-lighted commerce for giant tubs of diet cola and pants with elastic waist lines. When reached for comment, Mr. Tolstoy stated: “The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity." It remains unclear as to how that ideology will help sell books.
10.12.2012
Six Passages From Six Authors About Drinking By The Editors
The weekend is over now. We've sopped up any last presence of the weekend with the bagel that’s currently soaking up the remnants of a raucous Sunday evening in our now contented bellies. You see, it’s the season of good cheer, and how can one give good cheer without, well, giving a toast. So have no fear, dear reader. Do not feel bitter at the depravity that abounds in the all too sobering reality of this all too clear Monday morning. Instead, wait until five o’clock comes around and crush those very same bitters in some lovely liquid concoction. We’ll get you started by offering a toast. To you dear reader, and your loved ones in this holiday season. As a sign of good will, let TPR offer for your consumption ten wholly digestible passages concerning the very serious subject of libations. After all, nothing puts the spirits in Christmas spirit like a well-aged single malt.
07.12.2012
Because It's 5 O'clock Somewhere: The Poetry of Muhammad Ali By The Editors
I’ve wrestled with alligators. I tussled with a whale. I handcuffed lightning, thrown thunder in jail! You know I’m bad. Only last week I murdered a rock! Injured a stone! Hospitalized a brick! I'm so mean I make medicine sick! I told you I was the greatest. I’m young. I’m fast. I’m pretty. I’m so fast that when I turn the lights off I’m in bed before it gets dark. I’m so pretty, you wouldn’t believe how pretty I am. I’m the greatest in the world. The best ever. You’re a chump. You’re ugly. How’d you get so ugly? You’re so ugly your Ma didn’t name you, chump, she just made a face like she smelled something rotten when she wanted to call you. My God, you’re ugly.
06.12.2012
Oscar Wilde Visits a Brothel (With Women Inside) By The Editors
Oscar Wilde’s life was anything but simple. He was brilliant but his worship of laziness meant he produced little work. He was married to a woman but spent most of the engagement designing the wedding dress. Much of his life can be summed up with his own words: "Life is too importantly to be taken seriously." The problem with living like that is that someone will try to put you in jail eventually — which is exactly what happened to Wilde. Wilde was as openly gay as one could be at a time when society deemed such a thing to be a criminal act. That is an unbelievable thing and speaks to Wilde’s belief in his own conviction even in the face of prosecution against stated homosexuality. It not only led to Wilde being found guilty of indecent acts and his immigration to France. It also led to the front door of a house filled with very accommodating women.
05.12.2012
Ten Scathing Reviews of Literary Classics By The Editors
In Mel Brook’s excellent History of the World: Part 1, we see the world’s first artist standing next to the world’s first cave painting. The rest of the tribe assembles in wonder, only to see one particularly respected member of the assembly climb above a precipice over the painting and proceed to urinate all over it. As the joke goes: “With the birth of the artist, came the inevitable afterbirth — the art critic.” The review, whether conducted in good faith or not, is something every artist has had to suffer through. Provided here are ten scathing reviews of ten literary classics. Some are hilarious. Some are spiteful. All of them share one thing in common, however. They are all wrong.
04.12.2012
Struggles of a Jailed Poet By The Editors
At TPR, we’re pretty much against poets being locked up. If, like Renaissance dramatist Ben Jonson, you actually kill someone, fair enough. But on the basis of verse? We’d even let old William McGonagall roam free, albeit while making sure we had reasonably strong ear protectors on in his vicinity. As the old saying goes, sticks and stones may break my bones, but freedom of expression is a fairly basic human right.
03.12.2012
Dogfight: The 2012 Presidential Race in Verse By The Editors
Who can forget those wholly entertaining early days of the 2012 American Presidential election? From January to July we witnessed Herman Cain become the first man since a particular German fellow to walk around yelling “Nine! Nine! Nine!” in public. Rick Perry spent most of his time drunk, squinting at the brightness of the lighting in various debate halls. Michelle Bachmann swatted at invisible Muslim fairies and was seen chasing the rattle of increasingly empty pillboxes. Newt was quintessential Newt, which is about all you can expect from him. Rick Santorum just hated things, mostly gays. Ron Paul went on with his gold standard, eliminate the Fed bit. And Mitt Romney? Mitt Romney is spending time with his family trying to figure out what to do with his life. And that was just the GOP primaries. The great and mighty Calvin Trillin has dutifully satirized all of the wonderful proceedings of the 2012 American Presidential Race in verse in his new book Dogfight: The 2012 Presidential Race in Verse. It’s what the New York Times calls “poetry on deadline”.
24.12.2012
A TPR Christmas Quiz (With a Prize!!!) By The Editors
At TPR, we love the holidays. It’s why we currently occupy a Christmas sweater of legendary proportions (although not as amazing as that garment Snoop) while consuming all the latkes we received for Hanukkah. Our favorite part about the holidays (besides the latkes) is giving away free stuff. The simple act of giving engenders what we so love about the holiday season. So, dear reader, blow us away with your knowledge of all things literary so we can give you something. Whoever answers the most questions correctly in the following TPR Christmas Quiz correctly will win a free issue of The Prague Revue, chockfull of fiction and poetry goodness. As the egg nog brews and the rum is slipped in, consider the following questions on this Christmas Eve.
25.12.2012
A Christmas Card From Robert Frost (With a Poem!!!) By The Editors
All Christmas cards are not created equal. Yes, it’s a great place to list your children’s accomplishment and advertise the fact that your family looks so comely in matching sweater vests. We are equally excited that your son James won a sportsmanship award for his effete diffidence on the sixth grade pitch and that your daughter smashed half the high school football team, but we’d rather receive Christmas cards from legendary poets. Even if that card arrives in June. Let us explain. The great and mighty Robert Frost was in the habit of sending his friends Christmas cards (complete with requisite poetics) printed on a boutique press. The only problem? Frost crafted the cards so delicately, that it sometimes took until June to post. No matter, the result is predictably beautiful.
26.12.2012
The Square of the Hypotenuse: A Story of Untrained Mathematical Genius By Vishwas Gaitonde
December 2012 marks the 125th birth anniversary of the mathematics genius and autodidact, Srinivasa Ramanujam. Despite poverty and a lack of formal education, Ramanujam went on to become one of the most important mathematicians of the 20th century. He has been the subject of several books, notably the biography, The Man Who Knew Infinity, by Robert Kanigel, and the historical novel, The Indian Clerk, by David Leavitt. Author Vishwas Gaitonde draws on both of these volumes to not only discover the man, but to explore what it truly means to be a genius.
27.12.2012
The Language of J.R.R. Tolkien By The Editors
Around the TPR offices, we’ve always conceded that English is a mutt of a language. Our British friends might take exception to that, but it’s true. It’s essentially a West Germanic language that came through modernity ten centuries later with the Normans, its bloodline muddled by the many different beds it slept in along the way. Although English has plenty of its own grammarians, all one has to do is look at the language’s most beloved authors and their disavowal of hardline grammatical rulings to see our point proved. Some of them catch hell for it (Truman Capote famously said of Jack Kerouac’s works, “That’s not writing, it’s typing.”). Others don’t. So it came to be that even J.R.R. Tolkien faced a wave of criticism after deviating from the Oxford English Dictionary on a particular word choice in The Hobbit. His critics should have noted one important thing. Tolkien edited the Oxford English Dictionary.
28.12.2012
One memory we always cherish at TPR is curling up with our favorite books as children. No other author contributed more books to that pile than the great Roald Dahl. The fantasy-scapes that he created remain as large and magical as they did in our youths, largely because we read and enjoyed them at such a young age. So it was with great joy we watched the reverential tones with which Wes Anderson crafted the film adaptation of Fantastic Mr. Fox. Our suspicions of Mr. Anderson being a lifelong Dahl lover were confirmed when we unearthed this featurette from the film documenting just how far Mr. Anderson went to bring the real-world magic of Roald Dahl to the big screen. What can we say? We recognize one of our own.
31.12.2012
A New Year's Toast By The Editors
It’s New Year’s Eve as you surely know. Time to wash away the regret of another failed year of booze, fornication, and pestilence but, hey, at least we went down the right way. There’s still time to fly right. When the clock strikes twelve all sins are absolved and clemency granted. You are free to wish and resolve away, confident in the belief that you will better yourself in that most important of ways until the reality of the third week of January sets in. That being said, we at TPR can think of no better thing to toast to than a clean slate. It’s the only way one can make any true friends, or at least ones intelligent enough not to trust. So here’s to it. Allow us to be the first to offer a toast (this is where you raise your glasses): To the holidays. All 365 of them. Chin chin.
